Saturday, July 22
the previous post was actually in my public blog until i got scared that some people might see it, so i copied and pasted it (unparagraphed, sorry) into this blog. but now that the young adults in my church (the girls anyway) know about my fibromyalgia, i guess there's no use hiding anymore. just that i'd
prefer if
some people didn't know. (who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? keep your snotty nose out of my business) :S i've become more vulgar in the past few months. but
honestly. avoidance is a better form of tolerance.
not feeling so great today. my face aches today.. i know it sounds odd to people who've never experienced it, but your face can ache in the way your head does.. the jaw, the cheekbones, the eye area, the forehead and of course the temples. throbbing, searing, any sort of pain, really. so yeah it hurts hell alot and i'm still waiting for the ultracet to set in. hands aren't shaking so much today - which is good. head aches, of course. slightly feverish and sweaty, but that could be the weather. no nausea, which is definitely good. mild fatigue, which is about as good as it gets. altogether, not too bad a day. i could definitely try to catch up with this week's homework, since i missed so much school. it gets hard to keep track of time when you spend so much of it sleeping.
i can't believe i forgot to do what i promised van i'd do. shit i feel really awful, which isn't helping the throbbing in my head. i shouldn't be looking for excuses, but i was just so caught up with trying to stay awake in school and at home that i forgot i was supposed to be doing something else. shit.
these days it gets to hurting so much that i can't feel anything else. and i run my fingers over the knife just to reassure myself that there is another sort of pain that doesn't come from within. just to remember what other people can feel. i can handle that sort of pain. it isn't so easy handling the pain that comes from my own body turning against me. and because when everything hurts and aches and i'm almost too tired to move, it's nice to lash out at myself, particularly when things can't get more painful anyway.
stay awake, stay awake, damnnit just stay awake, don't give in to the welcoming arms of rest.
oh i give up. i need a nap before i chew off my own fingers.
it must've been love.
12:49 pm
xoxo
